Maybe

I've been thinking of a lot of things lately. Well, okay, just one thing. Moving back home.

This has all come about because I've been offered a position at my old Department that's a couple levels above where I am now, and it's very, very tempting to take it. I'm not getting any further with jobs here and even if I DO get a job, I'll still have to go back to Canada in a couple years and start from scratch. And then to do it over again a couple years after that. The prospect of always having to fight with other spouses for the few positions there are at post for the rest of my life is really unappealing and frankly; a lot of them are better qualified than me anyways (they have masters or years and years of experience being at post). The only chance I have of ever having an interesting job when we're posted is to move up in my own Department, then transfer laterally to D's department in an interesting position. The thing is, I'll never move up very much when all I have is a couple years back in Canada. So, this is why I've been thinking of moving back this Spring/Summer.

I think I would feel differently if I had a baby; I'm pretty sure I would be grateful for the extra time to spend at home with a child. But the fact is that a baby isn't in the cards for us any time soon and so I feel sort of like I'm stagnating being here. I'm not investing in the early years of my child, I'm not progressing in my career, I'm not pursuing any interesting hobbies like photography or writing because quite frankly, I just don't feel like it. I've never been a person who was 'into' hobbies before I left and I can't just change who I am.

This lifestyle might be really awesome for someone who's very extroverted, likes to wander off alone and explore, who likes to strike up conversations with strangers, who likes to go out all the time. I'm none of those things and so this life, being a trailing spouse, is really difficult for me. I want nothing more these days than the routine of work, the feeling of working towards a goal, and quiet weekends strolling the markets back home.

But then there are days where I have fun here, where I spend the day getting my hair and nails done and I think it's not so bad. There's only so much pampering I can do though, before reality sets in again and I feel blue.

I don't know if going home is the perfect solution, but right now, it's at least something to consider.